Author Topic: Jokes Thread  (Read 2791 times)

Philippa

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Jokes Thread
« on: July 20, 2012, 10:00:43 am »
DENNIS HAS FOUND A HOME
By Saralee Perel
 
I now understand why new mothers say to their husbands, "If you wake the baby, I will kill you."
 
Last Sunday, my husband, Bob, and I were at an Animal Rescue League shelter. A gal named Alysia put a kitten in my arms. He weighed all of 2 pounds. He purred the second he saw me.  Bob and I fell instantly in love with our new family member. We named him Dennis. "He's so snuggly," Bob said. "He'll cuddle all the time."
 
At home in our bedroom, we let Dennis out of his carrier. I held my arms out so he'd nestle in them. I ask you: What is it about animals who put on a demure, "Please take me home" act at the shelters, then turn into raucous whirring flying saucers once in their new homes?
 
Dennis zoomed past me and flew up every curtain, bookshelf and tall lamp he could find. After his first round, he did it again ... and again, at breakneck speeds even a NASCAR driver couldn't match. Bob can't catch him and he's won trophies in sprint competitions.  Dennis had clearly been trained in electrical engineering. He shuts down computers with one paw. He turns on printers. He sends faxes. Dennis is ... a menace!  On the day prior to what we now call D-Day, we emptied our bank account buying every kind of cat toy at PetSmart. Dennis nixed the toys and spent hours jumping in an out of the paper bag they came in.  Dennis will not nap.  Bob, exhausted, finally corralled the kitten into a huge luxurious crate, at which point Dennis let out a non-stop vocal rendition of the July 4th fireworks, and I mean the grand finale when each rapid-fire explosion can be felt throughout our whole bodies and we begin to wonder if our insurance companies cover permanent hearing damage.  Each lion-sized roar was accompanied by him banging the metal door, adding the lovely, lilting effect of bombs detonating at split second intervals.  Do you know what this ball of lightening darts to and then grabs with his sharp teeth if we're playing in bed and I'm not wearing any top? Well, let me just say I'm sporting 2 Band-Aids.  This kitten is no bigger than a sweet potato. But I have to tell you something ... he's even sweeter than one.  This morning when I opened my eyes, I watched Bob holding Dennis in his arms. Bob didn't know I could hear him softly singing:
 
"I'll love you till the bluebells forget to bloom.
I'll love you till the clover has lost its perfume.
I'll love you till the poets run out of rhyme.
Until the twelfth of never, and that's a long, long time."
 
And then I heard him whisper, "Welcome home, Dennis."
« Last Edit: October 21, 2017, 09:22:28 pm by Philippa »

Shadow Rider

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Dog's Purpose: from a 6-year-old.
« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2012, 08:59:20 pm »
Dog's Purpose: from a 6-year-old.

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker.  The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.  I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer.  I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.  As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure as they felt that Shane might learn something from the experience.  The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him.  Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on.  Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.  The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion.  We sat together for a while after Belker's Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.  Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."

Startled, we all turned to him.  What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try and live.  He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?"

The Six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

    • When loved ones come home, always run to greet them;
    • Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride;
    • Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy;
    • Take naps;
    • Stretch before rising;
    • Run, romp, and play daily;
    • Thrive on attention and let people touch you;
    • Avoid biting when a simple growl will do;
    • On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass;
    • On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree;
    • When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body;
    • Delight in the simple joy of a long walk;
    • Be loyal;
    • Never pretend to be something you're not;
    • If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it;
    • When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently;

There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it.  You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good, so, love the people who treat you right.  Think good thoughts for the ones who don't ~ life is too short to be anything but happy.  Falling down is part of LIFE...  Getting back up is LIVING...

Shadow Rider

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GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
« Reply #2 on: August 10, 2012, 01:35:32 pm »
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.  A couple in Sweetwater, Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.  It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.  She let out a very loud scream.  The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.  His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.  The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.  About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.  The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.  But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.  The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.  The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.  The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.  By now, the police had arrived.  Breathe here... They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!  The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.  Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.  The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.  Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.  A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.  And that's when he shot her.

P.S. Its been a long time since I laughed that hard at an email...................

Shadow Rider

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Job Benefits
« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2012, 03:02:56 pm »
A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs  were deducted from the employee's pay.  She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."
 
"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied.
 
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."

Shadow Rider

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The Naked Cowboy
« Reply #4 on: September 03, 2012, 01:52:18 pm »
A Sheriff in a small town in Wyoming walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots.

He arrests him for indecent exposure.  As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy  says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff, I was in this  bar down the road and this pretty little red head  asks me to go out to her motor home with her.  So I did.  We go inside & she pulls off her top & asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I  did.  Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants..... So I did.  Then she pulls off her panties & asks me to pull off my shorts.... So I did.  Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.'

So I did.  'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blond Men do exist!

Philippa

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Ted
« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2012, 11:38:27 am »
Ted was struggling with his golf game so he enlisted the help of Bob, the club pro.  After observing Ted's game through nine holes, Bob said, "I think I know your primary problem."
 
Ted was eager for some answers: "What is it?" he asked.
 
Bob replied, "You're standing too close to the ball after you hit it."

Daffy

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Gardening with Grandma
« Reply #6 on: September 28, 2012, 05:31:10 pm »
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!'

And out she goes.  The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother That she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.  The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.'

Happy Gardening.  (This is too funny not to share!)  Don't mess with a Senior Citizen!

Hannah

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The Blonde and the Snow Plow
« Reply #7 on: October 21, 2017, 09:10:42 pm »
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.  Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.  The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"

Hannah

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Jokes Thread
« Reply #8 on: October 21, 2017, 09:19:04 pm »
Facts from the 1500's

Editor's Note: ArcaMax does not attest to the truth of this, however the following is a fun read regardless.  The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s.  Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence, the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.  Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence, the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence, the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.  The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence, the saying "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence, the saying a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.  Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence, the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth. Now, whoever said that History was boring!!!