Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 7648 times)

ezel

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 148
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Thank You Notes
« Reply #15 on: November 08, 2016, 09:02:52 pm »
One Christmas, mom decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.  As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.  The next year things were different, however.  "The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.

"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"

"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

Hannah

  • Administrator
  • Newbie
  • *****
  • Posts: 10
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Too Much is Too Much
« Reply #16 on: December 04, 2016, 11:46:22 pm »
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses  one for each year of her life.  That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.  As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.  The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

Hannah

  • Administrator
  • Newbie
  • *****
  • Posts: 10
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Rabbit Resurrection
« Reply #17 on: December 04, 2016, 11:51:56 pm »
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.  The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.  A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.  "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.  50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters.  The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

Shadow Rider

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 185
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Dangerous Task
« Reply #18 on: December 27, 2016, 07:18:58 pm »
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool, back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was a guy in the pool swimming with all he could the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.  He said, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!"

Hannah

  • Administrator
  • Newbie
  • *****
  • Posts: 10
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
The Blonde and the Snow Plow
« Reply #19 on: October 21, 2017, 09:10:42 pm »
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.  Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.  The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"

Hannah

  • Administrator
  • Newbie
  • *****
  • Posts: 10
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Jokes Thread
« Reply #20 on: October 21, 2017, 09:19:04 pm »
Facts from the 1500's

Editor's Note: ArcaMax does not attest to the truth of this, however the following is a fun read regardless.  The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s.  Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence, the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.  Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence, the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence, the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.  The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence, the saying "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence, the saying a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.  Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence, the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth. Now, whoever said that History was boring!!!

shortcake

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 179
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Jokes
« Reply #21 on: January 21, 2018, 09:57:39 pm »
The teacher asked young Malcolm: "What do you do at Christmas time?"
 
Malcolm addressed the class: "Well Miss Jones, my twelve brothers and sisters and I go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come with all our toys."
 
"Very nice Malcolm," she said. "Now Jimmy, what do you do at Christmas?"
 
"Well, Miss Jones, my sister and I also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."
 
Realizing there were Jewish boys in the class and not wanting to leave them out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac, what do you do at Christmas?"
 
Isaac said, "Well, Miss Jones, it's the same thing every year Dad comes home from the office, we all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'  Then we all get on Dad’s jet and fly to the Bahamas."
« Last Edit: January 21, 2018, 10:20:23 pm by shortcake »

shortcake

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 179
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #22 on: January 21, 2018, 10:19:40 pm »
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.  An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.  The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.  Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"

The Rani

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 142
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #23 on: March 01, 2018, 02:33:16 pm »
 Signs You've had too much of the 21st Century, Part I

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4. You e-mail your colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch.

5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from the U.S., but you haven't spoken to your next-door-neighbor yet this year.

6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have an e-mail address.

7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

8. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail rather than in person.

9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

10. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

11. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

12. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

13. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

14. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

The Rani

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 142
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #24 on: March 01, 2018, 02:44:16 pm »
Spooky Pookie

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.  This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.  So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.  Just when the clock struck 11 Pookie Johnson, the part time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Philippa

  • Administrator
  • Full Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 540
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #25 on: March 31, 2018, 06:51:03 pm »
 Sunday School Lesson

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.  And Little Johnny said, "Welll every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Tinkerbelle

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 37
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #26 on: March 31, 2018, 07:43:30 pm »
TEACHER:  Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L."
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie. Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Twiglet

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 161
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #27 on: April 29, 2018, 07:15:01 pm »
How to Handle Teens

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.  The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.  The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.  "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.

Charlies Girl

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 156
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #28 on: May 22, 2018, 08:44:46 pm »
Sunday Morning

Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.  The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.  Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"

Charlies Girl

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 156
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #29 on: May 22, 2018, 08:49:31 pm »
Two Trouble Makers

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.  The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.  So, the mother sent her 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
 
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.  The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.  So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.  When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"