Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 11724 times)

shortcake

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Jokes
« Reply #30 on: January 21, 2018, 09:57:39 pm »
The teacher asked young Malcolm: "What do you do at Christmas time?"
 
Malcolm addressed the class: "Well Miss Jones, my twelve brothers and sisters and I go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come with all our toys."
 
"Very nice Malcolm," she said. "Now Jimmy, what do you do at Christmas?"
 
"Well, Miss Jones, my sister and I also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."
 
Realizing there were Jewish boys in the class and not wanting to leave them out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac, what do you do at Christmas?"
 
Isaac said, "Well, Miss Jones, it's the same thing every year Dad comes home from the office, we all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'  Then we all get on Dad’s jet and fly to the Bahamas."
« Last Edit: January 21, 2018, 10:20:23 pm by shortcake »

shortcake

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #31 on: January 21, 2018, 10:19:40 pm »
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.  An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.  The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.  Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"

The Rani

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #32 on: March 01, 2018, 02:33:16 pm »
 Signs You've had too much of the 21st Century, Part I

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4. You e-mail your colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch.

5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from the U.S., but you haven't spoken to your next-door-neighbor yet this year.

6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have an e-mail address.

7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

8. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail rather than in person.

9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

10. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

11. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

12. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

13. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

14. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

The Rani

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #33 on: March 01, 2018, 02:44:16 pm »
Spooky Pookie

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.  This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.  So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.  Just when the clock struck 11 Pookie Johnson, the part time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Philippa

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #34 on: March 31, 2018, 06:51:03 pm »
 Sunday School Lesson

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.  And Little Johnny said, "Welll every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Tinkerbelle

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #35 on: March 31, 2018, 07:43:30 pm »
TEACHER:  Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L."
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie. Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Twiglet

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #36 on: April 29, 2018, 07:15:01 pm »
How to Handle Teens

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.  The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.  The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.  "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.

Charlies Girl

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #37 on: May 22, 2018, 08:44:46 pm »
Sunday Morning

Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.  The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.  Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"

Charlies Girl

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #38 on: May 22, 2018, 08:49:31 pm »
Two Trouble Makers

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.  The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.  So, the mother sent her 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
 
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.  The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.  So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.  When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

Charlies Girl

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #39 on: May 22, 2018, 08:56:36 pm »
Chain Letters

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years.  Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern.

I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Now to Return the Favor:

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.  I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer. So you'd better get going on that e-mail!!!

Charlies Girl

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #40 on: May 22, 2018, 08:59:32 pm »
The Power of Woman

There were 11 people ten men and one woman hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.  They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.  No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.  When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.

Freaky Friday

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #41 on: June 12, 2018, 10:21:52 pm »
 Strudel

An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"

"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."

"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.  "Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.

"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."

Charlies Girl

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #42 on: October 24, 2018, 09:22:54 pm »
My older son loves school, but his younger brother Tommy absolutely hates it. One weekend Tommy cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday. Sunday morning on the way home from church, the crying and whining built to a crescendo.  At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, "Honey, it's a law. If you don’t go to school, they'll put Mommy in jail."

Tommy looked at me, thought a moment, then asked, "How long would you have to stay?"

The Rani

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #43 on: February 16, 2019, 10:05:38 pm »
An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."