Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 186 times)

shortcake

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Jokes
« on: January 21, 2018, 09:57:39 pm »
The teacher asked young Malcolm: "What do you do at Christmas time?"
 
Malcolm addressed the class: "Well Miss Jones, my twelve brothers and sisters and I go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come with all our toys."
 
"Very nice Malcolm," she said. "Now Jimmy, what do you do at Christmas?"
 
"Well, Miss Jones, my sister and I also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."
 
Realizing there were Jewish boys in the class and not wanting to leave them out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac, what do you do at Christmas?"
 
Isaac said, "Well, Miss Jones, it's the same thing every year Dad comes home from the office, we all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'  Then we all get on Dad’s jet and fly to the Bahamas."
« Last Edit: January 21, 2018, 10:20:23 pm by shortcake »

shortcake

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2018, 10:19:40 pm »
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.  An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.  The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.  Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"

The Rani

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2018, 02:33:16 pm »
 Signs You've had too much of the 21st Century, Part I

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4. You e-mail your colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch.

5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from the U.S., but you haven't spoken to your next-door-neighbor yet this year.

6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have an e-mail address.

7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

8. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail rather than in person.

9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

10. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

11. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

12. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

13. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

14. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

The Rani

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #3 on: March 01, 2018, 02:44:16 pm »
Spooky Pookie

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.  This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.  So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.  Just when the clock struck 11 Pookie Johnson, the part time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Philippa

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #4 on: March 31, 2018, 06:51:03 pm »
 Sunday School Lesson

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.  And Little Johnny said, "Welll every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Tinkerbelle

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #5 on: March 31, 2018, 07:43:30 pm »
TEACHER:  Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L."
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie. Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.